It was all hands on deck at hospitals around Cape Town this past weekend, with a flood of cases of Fear Of Missing Out On rOctober – more commonly known as FOMOOO – reported.
Symptoms of FOMOOO include bouts of crying, self-loathing, and aimless wandering that is permeated by feelings of intense anger and a sense of injustice. Worryingly, there is no known cure for FOMOOO.
It was the Southern Suburbs where the majority of the cases were treated, with a particular concentration in Pinelands. According to records at Vincent Palotti Hospital it was the worst outbreak they had seen since 2008.
In an exclusive interview with Chilliultimate.co.za, one sufferer, Julian Buyskes-Abrahams, admitted that by Saturday night the FOMOOO had become too much to handle and he had sought help.
“I thought I was just missing my wife, but I realised that the pain of not being at Saturday night’s party was getting to me. I thought I could handle it, but I as wrong,” he wept.
Buyskes-Abrahams would neither confirm nor deny that Pinelands Neighbourhood Watch picked him up roaming around the Scoville Oval at 1am, wearing nothing but a Chilli top.
But if Buyskes-Abrahams was confused he had nothing on the medical personnel at the Rocking the Daises musical festival. Medics were called to treat one reveler who had been struck down by a serious case of FOMOOO before discovering that she was not alone in her suffering.
A statement from the event organisers said: “While still bemused by how someone could suffer FOMOOO at our festival, we can confirm that a young woman in her 20s was treated for FOMOOO on Sunday. We consider Daises to be an event which usually protects against this malady, but it appears that the 2015 strain of FOMOOO was at a level never before seen. A full investigation is underway.”
However, cases were not confined to South Africa, with two individuals treated for severe FOMOOO in Australia.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, a doctor at Hobart General Hospital revealed that while the hospital staff were on high alert over the weekend in anticipation of a flood of injured bogans after the AFL Grand Final, they could do nothing to prepare for the cases of FOMOOO.
“The male patient we treated was crawled up in a ball, sobbing and repeating the phrase “we’ll always have Bergvliet 2010″, while the female patient was mute. We suspect that having never won a major title before she did not know how to react to the situation: the only thing she knew was that she was missing out.”
According to an article recently published in the Ultimate Journal of Medicine, FOMOOO symptoms usually start to ease after a period of a few days, but the scars will forever remain with the sufferer.